Two Poems by Rebecca Upton Hayes

On Life with Pain

The pain snakes through my body
starts in my feet/makes its way
up my spine stops in my shoulders

Others don't understand
They are used to having pain
in one place at a time like
if they stub their toe or bang
their knee against their desk

I hurt for no reason and any reason
and every reason

I take Lyrica hope for salvation

Hope it will eliminate these aches

Free me from this cycle of pain

I make plans anxiously because

how should I know how I will feel later?

And I worry others think I’m flaky when

I cancel like I’m lying about feeling

too achey or exhausted

If I was lying I’d come up with something

more interesting

If I was faking anything

I’d make it all more interesting

than this

~*~

Hashimoto's Disease, 2018

i stare into the blank spaces of walls at hospitals

i ignore the flowers

this place feels too bleak for such beauty

i could count how many times i’ve been here this year

if i checked my records on the account the hospital gave me

but i’m afraid to find out

in the MRI waiting room we’re all there

for the same thing,

so doctors can take pictures of our brains

and tell us if we’re normal

i didn’t mind having it done

but i wish they picked a different Pandora radio station

the doctors think i’ll be fine if i keep taking my new medications

this could be comforting but it isn’t

i want to feel better now,

i’m sorry if that seems a little unreasonable

okay, i’ll shut up now, i’ll stop asking questions

sorry doctor

yes, i’ll take my pills every day

the pins and needles come back all the time

sometimes i feel heat when i shouldn’t

i want to play guitar i want to do anything

other than massage my own aching joints

i hate that this has become my life now

they promised it would get better than this

nobody tells you what to do when it doesn’t

~*~

Biography: Rebecca Upton Hayes is a writer currently finishing her degree in Disability Studies at CUNY School of Professional Studies. Her creative and academic work are inspired by her experience living with disabilities. You can find pictures of her cat and her creative work on her Instagram at instagram.com/softgothkitten.